Lately, Eizwan noticed my dreams have been rather…domestic per se. I’ve been dreaming that my pelamin and wedding decor had been a disaster, the wedding dress have been a disaster – and something else rather common in general.
I thought it was normal for me to dream this way but Eizwan did not think so. Fine. I endeavored to do better and was then rewarded with a very strange dream that involved jumping into sewage water, a bomb and a lovely boyfriend by the name of Adam Lambert.
I admit I have a pointless crush on Adam Lambert, so the dream was well…let’s not go into details per se. Not because it’s R-rated, but dreams are boring in general to be recounted to. Unless your fiance’s name is Eizwan and has a ridiculous ear for detail, despite how mundane things can be.
But the dream got me thinking. 1) Why is Adam Lambert gay? It makes me feel weird having a crush on him because I can’t allow my nefarious mind to have my way with him (well actually I can, it’s just that my brain keeps shouting, he won’t be into you darlin’!) and two, if the weddings have domesticated me. Which is the single most terrifying thought.
I think the preparation for a wedding can be slightly soul destroying. When once upon a time you’re thinking about saving the world, you’re now thinking about saving the furniture and the flowers. Where once upon a time you’re thinking, yes, should I take this job where I’d up in Machu Pichu hunting aliens and then become Prime Minister, you’re now thinking of menu planning to stretch that monthly budget of yours. You’ve gone from epic to domestic.
Weddings are bizarre. They turn what used to be very reasonable and interesting people into essentially very self-absorbed people focusing on the very mundane details. Does my corsage match with my theme? Good God, are you wearing that?! You might upstage ME! Will my wedding dais be the one to remember? Will my live band kick ass (trust me, mine won’t since I won’t be having one!)?
Of course, it doesn’t help everyone makes a fuss about it too. The number of times my grandmother reminds me that I will be “berumah-tangga” soon (literally translated, it means I’ll have a house and stairs, an upgrade I suppose…but it actually means I’ll be a married woman), it’s always said a bit solemnly. Your relatives do treat you a little bit more special now that you’re getting married. And there are your own friends who say that, once you’re married, you’ve upgraded yourself. Which makes me sorta wonder that are we less of a person before we marry?
There is this idea that when you marry, the centre of your world changes. That your entire life revolves around this one person and that you’ve moved on from everything else. Marriage is the be all and end all.
This is the issue my aunts brought up over the weekend. They wanted my dad and mum to say ‘something’, like a speech of sorts after the solemnization ceremony. The all important “I let go of my daughter, her well-being and care is now in your hands. Bye bye forever.” I feel my aunts take glee in this act, they enjoyed sobbing their eyes out when my uncle did this sad declaration at my cousin’s wedding.
This is something I do not want. It is disheartening enough that my life will change (it is naive to acknowledge otherwise) but I don’t want to torture my father to saying that I’m leaving him. FOREVER. Which is what people make weddings make – like the end of something and the moving on to newer and better things and leaving people behind. With this new upgraded status, comes a new centre of my universe – my husband.
Because it’s not true.
Will my life change? Yes, probably. Will my priorities change? I think some will change – but not much. Will I be a different person? Maybe. If different means getting up earlier.
Sometimes I worry that marriage will lead to this life of domesticity. If I’m brutally honest, a lot of my friends, post-marriage talk about refrigerators, schools, servants, runaway servants, servants who hear voices and attack police officers, babies, cracked nipples, cost of nappies, organic food for babies and in general, are just terribly boring people from the super interesting people they were before.
Will I be this boring?
I had my answer this morning. This morning, I woke up in cold sweat from my very strange dream whereby I had to rescue someone through cold waters before the bomb exploded (I have a very queer imagination as they say), I was trying to figure out how exactly did these very domestic dreams turn so epic overnight. I think I’ve figured it out.
With this marriage comes a change, yes. Eizwan will be my family, he’ll be part of my family, legally. Spiritually, he has always been just as some of my dearest friends have always been part of my chosen family. Eizwan just happens to be slightly more special 😉
But while the tendency is for some to give up everything, give up their lives for this new core – well, as I dream about alligators in elevators, daydream about David Tennant, I have to say strongly and forcefully, that this is not who I am. I’m not going to give up who I am just to be the wife. It’s a new role, yes, but it does not mean I’ll give up 26 years of who I am as a person. What makes me, Adlina are my friends, my family, my writings, my posters on the wall, the Dalek on my shelf etc.
If in one fell swoop with Eizwan’s nikah declaration, I give all that up, Eizwan won’t be marrying the girl he fell in love with.
I can either allow myself to be domestic, or I can choose to live the life I want to. I can choose to cherish my friends, my family and be the same person I was before this marriage thing happened. Just as I could choose not to marry, I could have just as easily chosen to forget my family and friends if I were single. I could allow the domesticity to take over, or I can continue to dream about crocodiles and live, pardon the pretension of it all, an epic life.
So the key here is choice. I could either allow myself to slide into domesticity or live the life I want. It may not be easy this epic living, but at the end of the day, it is a choice I make.
Will things be different? Yes. Probably. But I’m not going anywhere, I’ll still love the same way I did before I got married. I’ll probably moan about my rented house because knowing my luck, the cabinets collapsed because I did not put them together properly, or I misplaced my Dalek and the cats are attacking poor Dalek Caan.
Back to the wedding, no speeches about me leaving my family as though I’m off to the new world, whereby it’s a 9 month journey by ship in perilous waters filled with sharks, pirates and typhoid and I can’t return until I’ve fully colonized the Wild West. Eizwan is coming into my family, I’m going into his. It’s an alliance of families, it’s a happy thing. I’m not superior to anyone else, nor am I moving on from anybody. Nor will I change to be a Stepford wife anytime soon.
So here’s to epic dreams and an epic life, surrounded by your family and friends.