“Fight like you are right, but listen like you are wrong.”
It’s not everyday that I’m advocating to pick a fight. But today is the day.
I have been thinking a lot about arguing lately. I’ve been reading The Coddling of the American Mind by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt and Think Again by Adam Grant where they encourage arguing, dissent and even passionate arguing when you’re on the same team.
I’ve always been an argumentative person – I think it’s partly upbringing – my father’s philosophy in life is pretty much summed up by, ‘What’s the worst they can say? No?’ – and partly because my very nature, I am argumentative. What I cannot do very well, is keep my mouth shut. Usually it works for a day or two, and then someone goes and say something stupid and I go, “Weeeell….”
It can’t be said that being an argumentative woman in Asia is easy – inasmuch that there are many fiery Asian women – there is also a reason why the meek Asian women stereotype exists. Being argumentative is almost an invitation for a beatdown, for people (read: men) to continuously try to put you in your place.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learnt a few things, that sometimes it is best not to argue. Sometimes, it leads to so much unnecessary animosity, that people take it so personally that your’e questioning or standing your ground on something, that it’s just best to stay quiet. That sometimes – it is just more peaceful not to argue, when everyone is in accordance with each other. In some ways, must we really argue on which restaurant to eat, which political party to support, what policies you care for?
However, as I approach the big 4-0, I’m changing my stand on arguing again. And the two books I mentioned earlier proved pivotal at coming to the conclusion.
Henry is homeschooled by a group of dedicated teachers. Originally he was homeschooled, not out of choice but due to Covid. The other government restrictions meant that he began his academic career at home and on a laptop. Soon after though, after covid restrictions ended, my attempts at getting Henry back into a physical school became half-hearted. I fell in love with our homeschool provider, his teachers loved the programme and I cannot begin to describe how much he had begun to thrive after years of finding a programme that fit him.
Henry has been extremely fortunate to have teachers who are dedicated, creative and disciplined. Our meetings are focused and agreeable. Each meeting seemed focused and we came up with solutions quickly and we rarely disagreed with each other. For the longest time, I thought this was good.
But as with Adam Grant suggests, I am wrong. It isn’t good when we’re always agreeable with each other. It sets us up to be yes men. Creativity comes from being uncomfortable, creativity comes from different points of view. And Haidt and Lukianoff suggest that it can be downright dangerous to surround yourself with people who think like you.
So I called Henry’s Head Teacher and I suggested that we start arguing more and disagreeing with each other. She was, perhaps a little surprised that I wanted to get the team to disagree with each other. I explained to her my reasoning and by the end of the call, I can hear the excitement in her voice. Hassan’s teacher, Sha is visionary, capable of putting ideas into workable strategies. She immediately suggested workable ideas that we both can do. The change will be incremental but we agreed we wanted to create an environment where everyone felt comfortable to disagree, to voice opposition to ideas while we listen.
Tomorrow, we’re going to learn how to fight. .
Too Many Hats 