Doubt

“The fundamental cause of trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt”

– Betrand Russell

I actually have about 4 more days in Calcutta to post – if I could get around to posting it. I know some people thoroughly enjoy writing about their holidays, but even as I wrote it, I found it a rather dull experience. But since I’ve been challenging myself fo a while to write about my holidays, I might as well continue on to post the damn thing online. One thing for sure is, travel writer I am not.

Otherwise, I have been extremely busy these past few weeks since I got back from Cal. As some of you may know from my vague tweets that I have been focusing on working on a vague business of mine for a while now. The next post on Calcutta will actually explain that business that I’ve been working on and off for the past year. Let’s just say it was an idea that came in a whim in January 2011 and as a result of that crazy idea, booked a flight and hotels in India and just headed there to pursue said crazy idea.

Last year was spent laying the ground work for the business as well as working on the last vestige of my consulting. I also spent a lot more time last year working as a creative writer. But a business can’t just remain on the ground. This year though, as with my resolution of finishing my work, I really wanted to get that business up and running. And as a result – I’ve been running around looking for shoplots, working on trying to find a place to sell my products, discussing packaging and finding equipment.

All good but all the running around meant I had less time for my writing. And I should be doing what I used to do last year which is to wake up around 5am and write. But what with all the traveling and running around, I am so exhausted that I can’t wake up around 5. As it is, I am already feeling the beginnings of the flu.

I do believe it is not just the running around that is causing the flu. As with everything that truly matters, it fills me up with a lot of self-doubt and trepidation. I want this business to do well, to succeed very much but the risks and stakes, as with any hero’s journey (see The Writer’s Journey, am really not calling myself a hero) is very high.

I would like to think that I am the intelligent and hence the self-doubt, but there are times I would like to be the fool and be cocksure (and not matter that I’ll be heading into trouble). I would love to be cocksure of the business I am working on, and I would love to be cocksure about my writing. As it is, with all this business work, I’ve been neglecting my writing. As much as I imagined myself to be rather corporate before, I have a writer’s soul and not writing is causing me to feel like a shadow of myself.

There are times where I wonder if I have to choose, am I just a writer or am I just a business person? Do I have to give up one facet of me to fulfill the other to the end? Can’t I just have the whole cake and eat it?

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