Why we’re not having children anytime soon

You know that saying? That only have children when you stop behaving like children? Well then, it seems like my parents and Eizwan’s parents will have to wait a long, long, long while before they get to cuddle a baby in their arms.

Want to know why?

Well, it all started today when the two of us decided to go gung-ho. What is gung-ho, you ask. Gung-ho is our codename for getting off our lazy arses and actually doing our chores that we had been postponing for months.

So on this bright, lazy Sunday morning, Eizwan and I mopped the floors, vacuumed, de-weeded the gardens and then to top it all off, we were going to wash the cars. I was in a very good mood, we were going to celebrate my grandfather’s 91st birthday (!!) and then after that, we were going to head of to Eizwan’s cousin’s engagement. The fact that her parents cook very well was in no way, any influence why we were looking forward to the sojourn.

So far, so good. So far, so responsible right?

Of course we were. We blasted songs from the PC to entertain us while we washed the cars. When it was time to wash Eizwan’s car, I can’t quite remember why Eizwan headed inside, but he did. He headed inside and then he came out, and out of habit, he locked the door.

Without bringing the house keys with him.

So there we were, the two of us, in our mankiest clothing, dripping from the washing of the car, with no phone, no car keys, no keys to get back in. So the two of us were trapped outside, between the front gates and the house and no way of getting back in.

I could get upset and go beserk, but for some reason, I was not. Eizwan was starting to freak out and get upset. For a moment, I thought this was it. This was the end. A very sad end for the two of us, sitting outside, drying out in the sun and missing out on Thai food. In the end, death did not seem like a good alternative and we decided to swallow our pride and call our neighbours for help.

Thank goodness Eizwan was very nimble. He climbed out of the gates, and knocked on our neighbour’s doors. Being the anti-social people we are, we, ahem, haven’t actually introduced ourselves to the neighbours. Thankfully though, they turned out to be some of the loveliest people and not only lent us the phone, they helped us call the landlord who had a spare key and she even opted not to go out with her husband and kids to wait with us until the landlord arrived with the spare key.

While waiting, I just opted to wash all the cars and started to wash the porch as well. Idle hands make for evil brain as the saying goes. Or something like that.

Our landlord came in the nick of time, and we explained embarrassedly what happened. Thankfully he was very understanding over what happened and we got into the house, took a shower and then got to my granddad’s birthday celebration on time!

In such high spirits, we got home and we prepared to go to Eizwan’s cousin’s engagement. I got all dolled up (by dolled up, I put on a decent pair of trousers) and looked pretty. We were feeling happy about the whole day and we talked about how we were going to Ikea later in the evening. But at this point, we were late to Eizwan’s cousin’s, so we had to rush.

I got into the car first, starting the engines while leaving Eizwan to lock the door. As I got in, I watched Eizwan slam the door, before a looooong pause. And then he put his head in his hands.

‘Eizwan?’

‘I thought I had the house keys. Turns out I took both car keys instead.’

So. Twice in one day. We locked ourselves out.

Whilst earlier, I was the super understanding wife, at this point, I was livid. I was not going to shout at him, he was feeling bad enough already. But certainly, the most apt description would be, I was not amused.

Now, the two of us decided, it would be a fate worse than death to call our neighbours or our parents for help. So we would rather just sit in the car and die outside. But thank goodness I remembered I could use my phone to access the internet in the house. So the two of us hid in the car, the aircon switched on as I surfed the net looking for a locksmith online.

We found one and had the dude charged a literal arm or a literal leg to open the door for us, we would have gladly agreed. But he said, he’d only be there in half an hour. Problem was, we could hear the neighbours coming out of their house. It’d be just too horrible if they knew how useless the two of us were. So we switched off the engine, pushed the car seats down, furiously whispered to each other and hid in the car so that they wouldn’t know that we were locked out again.

Eizwan looked particularly blue but  I was just too annoyed to make him feel better.

‘I’ll cook for you this evening,’ he offered.

‘Not good enough,’ I said.

‘What about ice-cream?’

‘Only Baskin Robbins will do.’

We kept peaking out every so often to see if the locksmith had arrived. Everytime a noise came from our neighbours side, we would scurry in and keep quiet. Lest they know.

‘Should I call the locksmith to tell him that we can’t open the gate either?’

‘No.’

‘So, like how is he going to get in?’

Good question. But I presume he’s a locksmith and had to be nimble enough. Hopefully he’s nimble enough. Or hopefully he’ll have a ladder to climb over the gates.

The locksmith was true to his word, in half and hour, he did arrive. Eizwan joyfully greeted him at the gates but again he spoke quietly, lest anyone hear that you know, we locked ourselves out again.

‘So macam  mana nak masuk?’ the locksmith asked (So how I do I get in.)

‘Uh…kena panjat,’ Eizwan replied sheepishly. (Gotta climb in)

As luck would have it, or as you would have guessed, dear readers, as the locksmith climbed on the gates, stood proudly on top of the gates, that was when my dear neighbour decided to head out. According to Eizwan, the man next door stared at our house completely gobsmacked as to why there’s a man climbing into our house with Eizwan greeting him like an old friend.

We were supposed to buy our neighbours chocolates for helping us out, but how on earth could we explain to them that we were locked out. Twice. In one day. The chocolates will have to wait.

Thankfully though, we got in, and got the locksmith to fix the other doors in our house that had been damaged. Now our cats can’t bang their way into our bedroom.

We missed Eizwan’s cousin’s engagement. But it wasn’t all bad. Eizwan cooked for me. I have a pint of choco-latte crunch.

So there it is, dear readers. The reason why we won’t be having children any time soon

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6 comments on “Why we’re not having children anytime soon

  1. Umi says:

    Are you guys nuts?

  2. Rae says:

    If it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone in this. Find a copy of Sloane Crossley’s essay collection, “I Was Told There’d Be Cake”, flip to the essay titled “Fuck you, Columbus”, read and sigh with relief that hey, this stuff happens!

    Also, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt having lived out of the parental home for the last six years, it’s to find a reliable friend who can hang on to your spare key and deliver it should the need arise.

    • Adlina says:

      I shall try and look for it and pick it up. Yesterday, I was in complete disbelief when we were locked out for the second time, like…seriously! How on earth could that be possible. Like really?? Why us?!

      Yes, we’re going to have to make spares and drop it with a friend. A friend who loves us enough to come back twice in one day to rescue us.

  3. […] isn’t chaos is not really chaos unless you do something stupid, like locking yourself out. Which happens to be a speciality of ours. After an exhausting evening of being caught in traffic, breaking fast with a humble meal of […]

  4. […] ‘Yes, the last time she got engaged, we got locked out of our house. Twice. Now, on the day she’s getting married, our car broke down in the middle of the highway, and we’re standing here with no way out.’ […]

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