My room’s a bloody mess, my table’s a mess and I haven’t touched my novel for the past two days. I do blame these blogs for distracting me. I hate to admit it but I am rather fascinated by how these girls are very much into planning their wedding. Originally I read them to find interesting vendors, but after a while it became voyeuristic, I get a glimpse of their lives, their fiancés and their dilemmas.
As always, it’s a double-edged sword. While a part of me is amused by their obsession, their planning to the tiniest detail and their quest to be the most unique bride out there, another small part of me is starting to wonder if I’m not doing enough for my own wedding. Or, somewhat more confusedly, I’m rebelling against doing more for precisely the reason that I don’t want to be like them Bridezillas.
Here’s the thing about Bridezillas. It’s a term used fondly, even all my friends tease me asking if I’m a bridezilla yet. But I don’t particularly like the term bridezilla – it suggests a kind of control freak, selfish nutter who is obsessed on that one day. It’s like this ONE DAY, when a woman becomes a bride, a wife to another man is therefore the MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF HER LIFE, OMG! GTFO! BBQ!
Somehow, I don’t actually like that thought that who I am as a person will be defined on that one day. Just as, blasphemy(!), I don’t actually like it when people tell me that I will just know who I am, know my purpose in life when I have a child. Perhaps I’m just being selfish but I don’t particularly like being defined as someone’s other. I’m not just going to be Eizwan’s wife. I’m not just going to be my future children’s mum. What happened to Adlina? What are her reasons for existing?
Another reasoning why I dislike the attention given to weddings is the feminist in me – that somehow women are still lumped together as superficial creatures who only take pleasure in marriage and children. Our weddings are the most important moment of our lives, finding the one becomes our sole purpose of existing.
Of course that is not to say, that my wedding day is not important to me. This day will be very important to me, but it’s also important for US. It doesn’t necessarily define either Eizwan or me, but it certainly marks a major milestone in my life.
I don’t quite understand the need to celebrate it with the most beautiful dress, the most awesome pelamin (wedding dais), the most original gift, the most meaningful sequence of events, the most dolled up bridesmaids. I think for me, as long as it’s meaningful, elegant and simple and most importantly, my family and my closest friends are happy, I’m fine. So if my grandmother doesn’t want cupcakes as favours because she thinks it’s so 2008, it’s fine with me. If my father wants to invite all his relatives from Pahang, that’s fine too. If my lovely wedding planner wants to seize control (I draw the line at gamelan music though), that’s fine with me too.
It doesn’t have to be all about me. I already have a lot of that in my life, from my choice of my career, the choices I make in my life and for that I am forever grateful. I know for some women, this wedding is very important to them – which is fine too. This is the one day they get to be princess. To a huge extent, I am always a princess, I do get to do whatever I want and for that I am grateful.
I know that this is really who I am, that not focusing on every aspect of my wedding is as much as a statement as obsessing over my life. I don’t need to tell my guests who I am as a person through my wedding, I feel that there are more appropriate avenues for that. Fo now, I’ve chosen to focus on other parts of my life, the novel and our lives after instead.
But somehow, it doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty about my choices.
Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.