It was a nice long break from the blog. Nothing has actually been happening per se – I mean, nothing exciting. No, I’ve not broken my leg or won the lottery or anything. But the long break from my blog gave me sometime to think.
I have a love-hate relationship with my blog. That would be a little extreme. Blogging is a big part of my life actually – in a funny way, it also mirrors the extremities that I feel inside me.
A part of me wants to tell everything, spew everything – my personal feelings, my anger, my thoughts and opinion on every subject matter known to mankind. Another part of me, a very strong part of me stops me from doing so. For many reasons: from being judged, from being sniped at and from being known. Yes, ironically, despite actually having a blog – a part of me is worried of saying too much and therefore breaking my own personally defined bounds of privacy.
As one might agree, privacy and blogging don’t actually go hand in hand together. Whoever say otherwise, they are lying.
For the past two weeks, again I’ve been wondering and testing my own personal boundaries of privacy. Do I write about my wedding preparations? Would that essentially highlight the Cosmo stereotype of all career women tending to be insecure and looking for the ultimate prize – a diamond ring and a meringue wedding, husband and babies? Do I write about what I do for a living – including my fears and insecurities as well as hopes for my future? Do I write about what I on my personal daily lives – which honestly, isn’t that interesting unless you find each time I go swimming I fall sick somehow (head cold this time) ?
Or do I just write what I feel deep down inside, damned all consequences of what I say?
I disagree with the latter most, we live in a world today where those who scream and shout the loudest are heard and taken to be the majority. I believe that all writers, bloggers or mainstream have to take time and think about the consequence of their written word – the pen is mightier than the sword.
The question I ask myself all the time is – can I live with the consequences? It’s not as though what I write is incredibly provocative, although it does seem that way for some odd reason to some of my readers. Sometimes I find what I feel to be an entirely innocuous passage result in great emotion from the reader and more often than not, an abusive one. For example, my critique on P. Ramlee the Musical resulted in a very angry post from fans of the musical attacking me personally. Although shouting at me isn’t going to change my perception of what essentially was in my opinion an uninspiring musical ;-).
I’m getting better at handling abusive messages, even gossip arising from my inconsequential blogging posts but it still isn’t easy. At my mid-twenties, I find myself struggling still to be strong, to keep to what I feel is true, irregardless of pressure from any side to change my thoughts and opinion. I don’t quite like censoring what I need to say – but sometimes I have to think of my own personal mental health first. Or like in the past two weeks, as I was doing, wondering if I am strong enough to stand in the face of what people say and not caring?
End result – I’m not so sure still. I do feel that it’s time I be more honest with myself, and say what I feel. Will this mean I’m going to start writing long sappy posts about Eizwan? Unlikely – some things must remain private. On the other hand, it just means I’m going to stop censoring myself as I used to.
Welcome to the age of hysterics.