Each time I take a deep breath, my back starts creaking. There are permanent knots in my shoulder muscles and if I don’t take a break and smile in the mirror every so often, I’d have a perpetual frown etched onto my face.
I am nervous, worried and plagued with doubt and guilt. Suddenly I question on whether the show is funny enough, if I’m doing enough publicity, if I’m not working hard enough? What if the show is pretentious, what if the show sucks and what if I get trashed on kakiseni? (which is a midly amusing prospect)
But at the same time, through this project I’m learning one more time to find that mad confidence that I had in myself before my stint as a government servant. Pre the SC, I was madly confident, madly passionate and I had beliefs and passions that I would fight to the death for. Post the SC, I was a mouse and I worked by the rules.
It took two years to destroy the confidence and the passion my parents and my family had spent 20 plus cultivating. But it’s taken about 8 weeks for the same confidence to return with this play, the same crazy kamikaze passion, confidence and passion that I knew that I had deep down somewhere.
There’s so many people I’m deeply grateful to. From the my entire cast and crew of the COOC to my Warwick Uni mates who have rallied around the production, dragging their friends and family by the coat tails to watch the show. And then there’s my family who have held an unwavering faith in me whilst I do something completely untraditional and mad. My closest friends near and far who lent me an ear whilst I bitched and complained till kingdom come.
It’s not all back. I still am indifferent to many things in life, but one day, one step at a time, I’ll be able to care once more.
For now, I’m glad to be me again.