I’m a Nun
Ah, so much for posting a new ficlet last night. I didn’t want to post up a new fic-let until I could get it archived somewhere and problem is, I couldn’t get it archived on Fictionpress until sometime late Sunday evening due to Fictionpress’ policy.
Anyway, my page on Fictionpress is up, the chapters are a little wonky but at least it’ll be there in order by posting date.
I’m like a nun
I woke up this morning in an exceptionally bad mood. Perhaps it’s the weather, perhaps it’s about time that I had a bad morning since the past few weeks, I had been in a decent mood except for the occasional tetchiness. Perhaps it’s due to all the fics I was reading yesterday that finally culminated into a “I’m not very happy” Adlina.
It started on Saturday when I was surfing the interwebs. I was half-writing and half-feeling sorry for myself from the sinus when by accident, I came across a Quantum Leap/House fanfiction crossover. Anyone who is into fanfiction (which I like incidentally, so go away naysayers) knows that House fanfics tend to be of the gay. Which I’m not really into but I continued reading anyway.
The fic was alright, but it got me reading other sort of fics that I usually wouldn’t read mainly NC-17 ones and slashy ones. And yesterday, whilst it rained heavily, I curled in bed with my Ian Rankin where he described in descriptive detail about how Rebus got an erection whilst reading the sexual fantasies of sexual predators (despite being disgusted by it all….)
That’s when it suddenly occurred to me. I am of the conservative. Or I’m so Care Bear like when it comes to my writing, that it’s almost disgusting. Let’s not talk about rocking the boat here, I’m talking about writing stuff from deep inside your heart, gut-wrenching thoughts and feelings that you have, that you really wish you never had, that writing it down on paper is equivalent of slitting your wrists and using your blood as ink?
Not that I’m saying writing House/Wilson slash fics is so dirty (which incidentally, there are some dirty ones) that it’s equivalent to slitting your wrist. Some of them are so tender, bit like Brokeback Mountain which I thoroughly enjoyed. I’m just wishing that I could write anything: House/Wilson slash fics, Martha/Rose, original fics that include thoughts scandalous that would make my parents blush. And cry.
Instead, I keep thinking, noooo! People will find out. And I have a “teh srs” (lolcat speak for “the serious”) job, one that requires me to get all suity from time to time. And the backlash in Malaysia for writing anything that is not of the norm (example: It is acceptable to write about sex in Malaysia if it is cliched. Like bad girl sleeps around. Acceptable. Good girl thinks screw this good girl thing, hey, wait, screw everything! – Not acceptable). I can’t even imagine. I didn’t like P Ramlee the Musical and I got trashed for voicing my opinion on why I thought it was bad.
Knowing that I’m self-censoring ourt of fear is makes me feel pretty darn pissed off. And I think, that’s the reason why I’m in such a pissy mood.
Edit (10/1/08): Re-reading this entry (hence I really should never post in a pissy mood), I worry that I come off as equating slash to well, hardboiled fiction or something equally perverse. I thought it’d be best to reiterate that slash/het fics are comparatively mild compared to hardboiled. What I’m getting at is that I’m so…conservative and shy about writing these things that whilst I’ve grown to be more fascinated with slash, I don’t think I’d be able to write it. Not because it’s gross, more like I’m too shy to write about these things. Anything to do with sex, I’m incredibly embarrassed about, making me more of a prude more than anything else.
Posted 1/7/2008 at 9:39 AM