Doubt

“The fundamental cause of trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt”

- Betrand Russell

I actually have about 4 more days in Calcutta to post – if I could get around to posting it. I know some people thoroughly enjoy writing about their holidays, but even as I wrote it, I found it a rather dull experience. But since I’ve been challenging myself fo a while to write about my holidays, I might as well continue on to post the damn thing online. One thing for sure is, travel writer I am not.

Otherwise, I have been extremely busy these past few weeks since I got back from Cal. As some of you may know from my vague tweets that I have been focusing on working on a vague business of mine for a while now. The next post on Calcutta will actually explain that business that I’ve been working on and off for the past year. Let’s just say it was an idea that came in a whim in January 2011 and as a result of that crazy idea, booked a flight and hotels in India and just headed there to pursue said crazy idea.

Last year was spent laying the ground work for the business as well as working on the last vestige of my consulting. I also spent a lot more time last year working as a creative writer. But a business can’t just remain on the ground. This year though, as with my resolution of finishing my work, I really wanted to get that business up and running. And as a result – I’ve been running around looking for shoplots, working on trying to find a place to sell my products, discussing packaging and finding equipment.

All good but all the running around meant I had less time for my writing. And I should be doing what I used to do last year which is to wake up around 5am and write. But what with all the traveling and running around, I am so exhausted that I can’t wake up around 5. As it is, I am already feeling the beginnings of the flu.

I do believe it is not just the running around that is causing the flu. As with everything that truly matters, it fills me up with a lot of self-doubt and trepidation. I want this business to do well, to succeed very much but the risks and stakes, as with any hero’s journey (see The Writer’s Journey, am really not calling myself a hero) is very high.

I would like to think that I am the intelligent and hence the self-doubt, but there are times I would like to be the fool and be cocksure (and not matter that I’ll be heading into trouble). I would love to be cocksure of the business I am working on, and I would love to be cocksure about my writing. As it is, with all this business work, I’ve been neglecting my writing. As much as I imagined myself to be rather corporate before, I have a writer’s soul and not writing is causing me to feel like a shadow of myself.

There are times where I wonder if I have to choose, am I just a writer or am I just a business person? Do I have to give up one facet of me to fulfill the other to the end? Can’t I just have the whole cake and eat it?

I Resolve To…

The internet has been down for two days now. Vogler is next to me on my right while the Iphone 4s (ahem) is next to me on the left. I could, technically, tether the damn thing to my pc but by not doing so, it should theoretically force me to finish Vogler. But despite how much I am learning from Vogler, I can’t help feeling like I’m yanking my ribs out via my throat when I’m reading it.

It’s not that it’s dry or anything – it’s just that. Well, it provokes too much thinking. And my brain can only take in so much – anymore than that, and then I start stacking the cheese in the fridge into a tower. I would use Legos but I don’t have any.

Anyway.

So I procrastinate. By blogging. Well, at the very least, Vogler sits on my right as a dire reminder to finish him. The intention is to finish him before I start writing again. I could write simultaneously but then I’d be busy switching back and forth. I may be able to multitask on a million things but reading is not one of them. I can only read one thing at a time and I can’t write while I read.

So.

It is now the 30^th of December. Only 2 days away before the new year. When I was much younger, I used to fret about having New Year plans and all that. I don’t anymore because I used to find the New Year’s reveling quite dull and question every year why I did it. It was much better NOT doing anything except watching the fireworks with loved ones. That is always fun.

What I do like about the New Year are resolutions. Resolutions are fun. Probably because they are like lists and I do very much enjoy creating lists. I even like the little dots on the side of my lists although I have now progressed onto numbered lists. I know, look at me! Life of the party, I am.

But I digress. I am pleased to say that 2011 was the year that I actually kept my resolution. I resolved to lose weight last year and I made a huge effort (pardon the pun) in doing so. I am currently a size 10/12 UK – 12 is a little baggy while 10 is a little tight. I’ve come down from a size 14/16 UK. I have lost an approximate 10 kg? I think. I am not so sure because I fear the weighing scale and resolved never to check it for fear that I start binging again when I see the number. All I do know is that I am lighter and slimmer than before I started university so all is good. I am certainly healthier – the frequency of my asthma attacks have decreased and I recover from illnesses faster.

I could stand to lose a few more pounds but for now, I am happy with my weight. Onto newer resolutions.

My brother pointed out that it would be better to have New Year Goals as opposed to the vague Resolutions. Fair enough – vague ‘resolutions’ like to become a Better Person is impossible to attain. Define better person. Say every year, I have a bad habit of knocking old ladies down in an effort to be the first in line at the Isetan sale – that would make me a horrible person. But what if this year I decided to mumble a brusque ‘sorry’ to that old lady as I bulldoze her down – I suppose that makes me a ‘better person’?

I did apologize.

This year is a recycled resolution but an important resolution nonetheless. This year, I want to complete my novel and have them shipped off to publishers in attempts to get it published. That’s all. Of course, I have other little things up my arsenal that I want to happen like you know, play the piano (vague), experiment on my cooking further (vague), get my other business up and running fully (vague) but what is most important for me – is the novel.

So up, up and away 2012! 2011 had been a very good year and here is to a better one in 2012.

Sacrifice

One of the best things about being part of a small family business is our family coffee time. My family have an obsession for ‘tea’ and what I mean by ‘tea’, I actually mean a time in between lunch and dinner where we have coffee, tea, cakes and lots of cakes. Sometimes it is just lots of coffee.

Of course, the idea is that we discuss business during these coffee hour but most of the time we end up talking nonsense. And now that my family had discovered Iced Australian Coffee from Ben’s, which, incidentally stocks coffee from Market Lane, currently the place in the world to go for coffee, we end up talking more nonsense. See Ben’s have these little placards that is intended to help the conversation. So we browse through them and pick a topic and see where we go from there.

There tends to be far away from work as possible.

Yesterday’s question was “If you could write a book on any subject matter, what would it be?”

My answer was the same. Still writing the damned thing.

Before I got married, a lot of women warned me that I should try and delaying getting married for as long as possible. Marriage takes up a lot of your time, you will no longer have any time for yourself and do whatever it takes to achieve your dreams before you marry.

It sort of makes it sound as though marriage is a death sentence.

Well, now, one and half years later – the assessment is not quite true. If I had a non-supportive husband, marriage probably would be a death sentence for dreams. But I do and I’ve written about it countless of times that I have a husband who actively encourages and supports my over optimistic ambition of being an author and screenwriter.

Having said that however, you really don’t have that much time post-marriage. We live on our own, and even though we’re fair with the household chores, the house takes up a lot of our time. We are unfortunately, not well off enough to afford a variety of robots to take care of the house and despite my best attempts at training the cats to mop the floor, the only thing they would do is catch roaches. Which is good I suppose but since the house is pretty clean, it has left them redundant. Nowadays they assume their job is to frolick on the carpets and they do a damn good job at that I tell you, based on the number of times we have to vacuum the floor and carpet.

And here’s the thing. Between your real job of paying the bills, and busy household work, it is easy to let what you really want to do down the wayside. What you really want to do takes time, effort and a lot of tenacity. Tenacity you don’t quite have when you’re working a job and being a responsible motherfucking adult because really, after you’ve cooked and cleaned, all you want to do is fall asleep in front of the TV as opposed to sitting in front of the PC and cranking your brain to churn out at least 500 words.

When I decided to rewrite my novel, a very difficult and painful decision after working on it for so long, I set myself a timeline of when I would complete it.

That was of course, months ago.

In nearly 8 months time, I will be 2 years married and I am nowhere near close to my deadline of finishing my novel that I’ve been working on for yonks. And it is disheartening. My mum, the efficient android, opined that it was because I did not have the discipline to do so. I was very hurt by her remarks but it probably hurt more because it was true. To admit to myself, that despite doing all the things, I was still not doing enough was tough.

The thing about dreams is that frankly, it requires sacrifice. Nothing good ever comes easy. I lost weight this year, about 10 kilos. That required me giving up food and trust me, I love my food.

So if I want to get this done, I have to sacrifice something very dear to me.

Two weeks ago, I opted to sacrifice sleep.

You have no idea how much I love sleeping. I love taking long naps, getting into my pj’s and pulling the covers over me with the aircond blasting cold (sorry environment). Heck, I can even sleep in the warmest of weathers with just the fan on, I just love sleep and I try to make sure I get my 8 hours every night.

But let’s face it. I am not disciplined enough to write in the evenings after dinner. Besides, I also want to spend time with the husband. It’s not fair on him that instead of spending time with the wife, I’m working in the study. And frankly, I’m not that good at doing that either because I keep bugging him to come over and to show him a picture of a cat in a bowl. See? Cat in a bowl. So cute.

If I wake up in the mornings however, Eizwan would be asleep and there is very little distraction (save for Nadal the cat who keeps whining for me to ‘Feed meeee! I’m hungryyyyy!’) to work on my novel. So every morning, I set the alarm to 5:30am and I wake up, brush my teeth, dance to SuperJunior’s Mr. Simple before I do a bit of writing in the study before I go to work.

There’s something peaceful about waking up early in the morning to write. The mornings are very quiet where I live and it’s a relief to be working outside in silence. No one is online save my sister who lives in Scotland and so there is no one to pull me in different directions and there is no need to attend to any matters. There are no chores to be done at 5:30am, just one thing and that is writing. In a way, it is the only time that is possible for me to have time just for myself and I am starting to treasure these quiet and private times.

Is there a downside to this writing in the morning?

Sleeping during lunch.

*

Four days and counting.