I Want It All, I Want It Now

According to various studies that I can’t be bothered to research and to link up here as reference, smells evoke the strongest memories while I think sound comes in second and pictures last. Anyway, don’t quote me on this one, I probably made this up for all I know.

But today, as I was listening to Brandon Flower’s Crossfire (love the song btw), despite it being about a couple going through trying times – I was overcome by my feelings for Eizwan, he sang the song while he cleaned up the kitchen last night since I’m (*gasp* *shock horrors* *no really?!*) sick again.

Which made me think about the odd things that bring up memories. Smells and music do it for me more than pictures – and I do wish sometimes I could control what evoke memories. For instance, it’s a wee bit disconcerting that the smell of Fumakilla, the very good insect killer spray, reminds me of my first few days with Eizwan as husband and wife. It’s romantic in a pesticide kind of way – thinking of dead cockroaches evokes deep feelings of love.

Aside of deriving some loving from some dead cockroaches, I’m ill again. This time from a cold. Two days ago, it was asthma of which Eizwan rushed me to the clinic at 2am for the nebulizer. I felt better on Tuesday before dying Tueday night from a cold. My parents reckon it is because I am too excitable. I don’t think I’m an excitable person. I’m gung-ho, yes, I feel that I can take on the world, yes. So what if I think I can bake a cake, roast a chicken, cook spaghetti with mushrooms and write 3 proposals within three hours? That is what multi-tasking is for!

Heck, I even have Steven Covey’s 4 quadrants on my fridge, reminding me of the things I need to do. And the list seems to go on, and time seems scarce. I’m super busy, I have work that earns me a living, my novel which I’m finally, planting my arse on the seat to sit down and rewrite (except sure…sometimes I spend more time daydreaming what happens after, ahem, the thing gets published – optimistic I know) and then planning all the cookies I’m going to bake before Raya comes along.

But the fact that this is the second time I’ve fallen sick within the short span of getting married might actually mean I’m pushing myself too hard. A friend of mine reminded me of something I said to her earlier – that falling sick is a sign that you’re pushing yourself too hard. That I need to rest. It’s kinda embarrassing to be reminded of your own advice. Well, you know me. Good at giving advice. Bad at following them.

I’m from the Generation Now. I’m the sort of person when I’ve sent a reply on my mail, I click refresh fifteen times after to see if they’ve responded. I think the most of the time, Queen’s “I want it all” is playing a the back of my head. I want things to happen so fast that I’m frustrated that things don’t go the way I plan. But no matter, I’m already making up a plan to get to what I want. I’m perpetually stressed, my shoulder muscles are perpetually knotted up from being ‘ready’. I’m ready to do anything, if you wake me up at 2am because we need to go climb Mt. Kinabalu – I’m game. Because…well, because climbing up a mountain must be in one of those things you have to do to lead a complete and fulfilled life.

I worry that in my crazy pursuit of leading a complete and fulfilled life – I don’t know what it means to be contented. I don’t know if I want to be contented. Somewhere in my warped mind, contentment means the fire within, to drive and to pursue would be dampened. It’s the same crazy fire that forces me to get up when I’m so sick, to write in between naps of recovery. But I might miss the small things in life in this crazy pursuit. If I were to recall my uni days, the best times was not the time when I did well in class (well, that does go up there as a nice, smug feeling) but the times when I skipped tutorials to get dessert with David. There are more memories of tea with friends then there are of classes.

I’m trying to have everything – a beautiful relationship with family and friends, the fantastic career achievement, the great spiritual enlightenment and the fantastic health – that I put everything in me to get it.

And then I worry that in my pursuit to do everything, I don’t slow down and take the time to enjoy the journey, that I am so keen to get to my destination, I’ll miss the best parts of life, the time spent with friends and family. But conversely, I worry if I’m enjoying myself too much, that I won’t have the satisfaction of achieving something in my life.

Also I worry that I worry too much – but that’s another story for another day.

For now though, I’m going to keep busy, if sometimes at the expense of my own body. It’s hard to accept that some thing has got to give because all of the above matter to me, and I want them all. Right now, I may be doing things a little wrong but I’ll keep pursuing until I get it right. One day, I’ll be smart enough to say rest now. It’s all okay.

So…you work from home, huh?

I work from home. A lot of people think it’s the best thing in the world. I suppose in their head, they imagine that it’d be the most awesome thing evar. Whereby I sit down at my desk (or on my bed), with my laptop and my pyjamas, whilst I have a cocktail. I’d take a nap when I want to, go shopping when I want to. And then leisurely get up to finish my work.

I have to say that…it’s mostly true.

There are tremendous perks working from home. Like for instance, you can wear shorts and it doesn’t matter if you’ve not shaved your legs. Or you can have afternoon naps and sleep for a good two hours before getting up to continue on work. My personal favourite is standing outside the door and mocking and laughing those who are struggling to get through the traffic.

Hmmm. Shouldn’t say that or karma might blast into something terribly unexpected like a massive jam when you need to pee or something.

One of my biggest concerns when I got married was that Eizwan would not understand my schedules of someone who worked from home. Sure I would log off in the afternoon and sleep. Sure I would crawl out of bed late on the mornings he has to wake up early to make his morning commute. The privilege comes with a price – especially when it comes to deadlines and payment.

I think Eizwan struggles to understand my day, and to some extent, is envious of the flexibility that I have. Sure when things get too tiring, I pick up a wiggly cat and torment it to amuse myself. When I feel like an ice-cream during the day, I get one whenever  (Okay now I’m just bragging). When I feel like going out – I go out (but…despite the freedom bestowed on me, I almost never do it) and when my sister wants me to meet up for lunch, we meet.

(And now for the reality)

The hard part is the in between payments of course. I miss a regular income. There are days when I agonize if going back to work would be easier than counting pennies or battling private clinics to give you the medication that you want. It would be so much easier to just buy the medicine off-the counter.

I’m terribly careful with money, especially in our case, we have one salary to get by till I get paid in lump sum. And then we party like there’s no tomorrow and then we go back to our meager subsistence living.

Well, no, not really.

The other thing is discipline. It is very hard to be disciplined when you’re working on your own. Some days I can have everything planned in front of me. Like the coffee is ready. There is soft, non-distracting music in the background. The lights are switched on, and I have two fans on me to keep me cool. And I have all my papers by my side. And the phone in case any clients call….

That’s about the time when I’ll drift away onto lala land and watch recipes online. There’s this saying, that goes something like, with the internet, you can never create great fiction.

It goes without saying, with internet, you can’t do anything really. But to switch it off, it’s really, really, really hard. When you’re working at home alone, it’s a lovely way to stay connected with everyone. Despite my best attempts at training my cats to talk, they just stare at me blankly and respond with a meow. I suppose it’s still an improvement to my mother’s cats who walk away mid-conversation. Now that’s just rude.

But anyway. Discipline. The thing I need most right now. It’s August 3^rd. I have a huge deadline by the first week of September – self-imposed of course. Eid is coming up, and I have to get my, off-and-on novel completed. It’s an impossible task that I’m setting for myself. But there’s a reason for it.

….

And this is the part where I don’t tell you the reason. Because if I do, then I’d have nothing to blog about. My life is not that interesting. Well, actually, it is but it is out of respect to my clients, I do not share. So stay tuned on the psychotic, one month effort. This month is going to be crazy.

Things worth taking note

There are a few things I’ve learnt today that is worth to note:

1.Use Pad Thai noodles next time.

You cannot replace kuey teow noodles to make Pad Thai. Kuey teow is mushier. But having said that, it actually tasted good.

But Pad Thai is a lot of work and not much fun to prepare. But if you do want to punish yourself because let’s face it, you don’t have a life or a decent Thai restaurant nearby – this and this recipe is pretty good.

2. Seriously too old for this shit

I’m not one to say ‘I’m too old for this shit’ but last night I did an all-nighter to finish a proposal given to me at around 3pm, and I have  to admit. I am too old for this shit. Whilst 5 years ago, I’d sleep at 5am, be up by 8am and continue running full-speed all day.

Today, I was a grumpy bundle of nerves and even flashed the finger to the man who refused to let me into his lane as I was driving (actually since Jan was in the way, he complained I flashed it at his face instead).This despite the copious amount of coffee I drank to help me stay awake.

But it’s okay. Coffee is good.

3. We like ITunes

Thank goodness for Itunes. I’ve been so bored of my music that I’ve been leaching of my brother’s music through the home network. Jan’s taste is far more eclectic than mine – Anime OST to classical music to Kenny Chesney. Like really? We’re the offspring of the same parents?

But it’s been good. Anime is good. I like anime music. It encourages me open OneManga and waste time by reading the Slayers reboot. Yay for Slayers reboot.

4. Stop the Irrational Exuberence already.

I want the stock market to fall. Because I’m a mean, mean nasty person. But you should already know that about me.

*Edit*: I changed my mind. I want it to go up now. Come on you Wall Street Bankers, prove your mettle (and your overpaid salary) that there will be a 100 point increase next year!

5. Cheese, Grommit!

My brother has very expensive taste in cheese. He is trying to egg me to buy parmigiano regianno instead of good old-fashioned Australian parmesan for our dinners.  Despite the fact that a block of parmigiano regianno would eat into about 40% of our weekly grocery budget. I am tempted but that would mean we wouldn’t eat anything at all that week except cheese and spaghetti.

6. Feeling nostalgic.

With my family split up in various continents, sometimes a song reminds me of my family. Like this anime song, it reminds me of the time Hani wouldn’t speak to me because I would put it on repeat for three days straight. Or when I heard Copacabana at the Grocery store. We couldn’t move for a good two minutes because we cracked up remembering Hani’s epic misquote of the lyrics: ‘Her name was Copa. Copacabana.’

Wait. I think I’m only reminded of my sister. Heh.