*Skip if you don’t to read about mushy, gushy things about my life experiences*

Somewhere in 2006, I was deeply unhappy about my job back in TEH EVILZ ORG. I was so unhappy about my job that I fantasized about getting into an accident on the way to work so that I wouldn’t get to the office. And each day was a torture, I counted the number of days I had to serve before I could leave.

It was also around that time I had the worst writer’s block of my life. I would stare at the screen and not be able to write anything. Life really had no meaning.

Around the same time, BBC Entertainment (RIP BBCE) was picked up by Astro. As I was missing England so desperately at that time, I watched everything on BBC E, including countless episodes of the crappy ‘The Weakest Link’. They had the updated Doctor Who – I vaguely remember my mum telling me something about DW when she was growing up as a kid, when Malaysia used to import more British programmes than Hollywood stuff. Something about the Daleks scaring the hell out of her.

Watched the first few episodes of Doctor Who and was thoroughly unimpressed. It seemed more stupid then intelligent. It was no Hollywood show and I left it behind.

And then one day, while visiting my parents in Johor, I chanced on another DW episode. It was one of those lazy Sundays – and I watched whatever was on. It was Doctor Who. Father’s Day to be accurate. I watched the episode and I cried.

I was completely flabbergasted that I could cry over a kid’s show. And I vowed to watch another episode. I did. It was the Empty Child. And I was hiding my eyes behind my fingers as I sat on the sofa, terrified of a kiddie show. And then I watched another. And then, I ahem, made way to an ahem, less than legal supplier of DVDs to get an entire season (I’ve made up for it since by buying the originals). And watched it almost all in one go. And I watched it again and cried when the Doctor regenerated.

Life continued on all the same in the meanwhile. It was still difficult, and to a certain extent, it never got any easier. I went through lows that I would not wish on anyone and retreated back into things that were familiar to me to keep me sane. Like fanfic and Doctor Who.

I was addicted to Doctor Who. I watched, I surfed through forums, bought little Dalek keychains. And when the season was off air, I read the fanfics like a fiend, trying to get as much DW I could get in my life.

And then one day, the unthinkable happened. Three years after I stopped writing fiction, after watching John Simm flap around as the Master, I picked up a metaphorical pen (metaphorical since I mostly type these days) and started writing. I started writing what became ‘The Master and the Wolf‘. I did it during my spare time, I love Billie Piper, I love John Simm, thought they would look so cute together.

‘The Master and the Wolf‘ led to writing ‘Pop Princess‘, my first script frenzy, little shorts that got me into the Astro-NIDA writing classes, my first staged play – ‘Coming Out the Closet‘, little short stories revolving a nutty town in Malaysia, a short story, shorts that were filmed and then my most ambitious project ever, a full-length mystery novel. I’ve lost a social life dedicated to this project, it’s nowhere near complete but by God, I’m going to try and get it published.

I wrote the fanfic for myself; it was Eizwan who insisted I ought to try post it up online. It meant a new kind of discipline as well, reworking on an old piece, polishing it up. It was my first novel-length piece that I finished and posted for everyone to see.

It’s not perfect but it was this baby that started me writing again. And this Saturday or Sunday, I’ll be posting the final chapter and there is a kind of ache in my heart, a bit like losing a best friend. This fanfic means quite a lot to me – it brought Eizwan and I closer than ever, he is my number one cheerleader – he reads through my writing late at night, edits it and criticizes it when he thinks it’s not good enough and sometimes is late to work for it.

This fic is what pushed me to write and to dream again. This fic helped me develop discipline for writing, especially when there are days when I’m bored out of my mind trying to write it.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be a published author. I do know it is something I want very much in my life. It is something that I am willing to put my wedding planning aside for, something I work till late at night for and pushing my friends aside for.

But if I do. It will be because many years ago, I caught a kiddie programme on TV that compelled me to write again when everything seemed so bleak. There are writers who credit brilliant authors for their inspiration to write. I will credit a Time Lord traveling in a phone box battling pepper-pot aliens.

***

Title: The Master and the Wolf

Rating: PG

Summary: Three years post Doomsday, Rose has adjusted somewhat to her life in Pete’s world as Defender of the Earth. But she’s about to face her greatest test yet as she finds an abandoned TARDIS in the Tundra. And just who is this Harry Saxon trying to woo her?

Read it here on: Teaspoon (where it will be completed this weekend) or on Fanfic.net

****

There are a few things I’ve learnt today that is worth to note:

1.Use Pad Thai noodles next time.

You cannot replace kuey teow noodles to make Pad Thai. Kuey teow is mushier. But having said that, it actually tasted good.

But Pad Thai is a lot of work and not much fun to prepare. But if you do want to punish yourself because let’s face it, you don’t have a life or a decent Thai restaurant nearby – this and this recipe is pretty good.

2. Seriously too old for this shit

I’m not one to say ‘I’m too old for this shit’ but last night I did an all-nighter to finish a proposal given to me at around 3pm, and I have  to admit. I am too old for this shit. Whilst 5 years ago, I’d sleep at 5am, be up by 8am and continue running full-speed all day.

Today, I was a grumpy bundle of nerves and even flashed the finger to the man who refused to let me into his lane as I was driving (actually since Jan was in the way, he complained I flashed it at his face instead).This despite the copious amount of coffee I drank to help me stay awake.

But it’s okay. Coffee is good.

3. We like ITunes

Thank goodness for Itunes. I’ve been so bored of my music that I’ve been leaching of my brother’s music through the home network. Jan’s taste is far more eclectic than mine – Anime OST to classical music to Kenny Chesney. Like really? We’re the offspring of the same parents?

But it’s been good. Anime is good. I like anime music. It encourages me open OneManga and waste time by reading the Slayers reboot. Yay for Slayers reboot.

4. Stop the Irrational Exuberence already.

I want the stock market to fall. Because I’m a mean, mean nasty person. But you should already know that about me.

*Edit*: I changed my mind. I want it to go up now. Come on you Wall Street Bankers, prove your mettle (and your overpaid salary) that there will be a 100 point increase next year!

5. Cheese, Grommit!

My brother has very expensive taste in cheese. He is trying to egg me to buy parmigiano regianno instead of good old-fashioned Australian parmesan for our dinners.  Despite the fact that a block of parmigiano regianno would eat into about 40% of our weekly grocery budget. I am tempted but that would mean we wouldn’t eat anything at all that week except cheese and spaghetti.

6. Feeling nostalgic.

With my family split up in various continents, sometimes a song reminds me of my family. Like this anime song, it reminds me of the time Hani wouldn’t speak to me because I would put it on repeat for three days straight. Or when I heard Copacabana at the Grocery store. We couldn’t move for a good two minutes because we cracked up remembering Hani’s epic misquote of the lyrics: ‘Her name was Copa. Copacabana.’

Wait. I think I’m only reminded of my sister. Heh.

After abstaining from movies for a few months now, there are movies that are coming out that I can’t wait for. Eizwan commented that we rarely watch movies at the cinema these days. Well, for one, I live in Malaysia, the selection we get here is rather poor – nothing caught my eye. And secondly, 2009 is my Bollywood year – I’ve watched ten Bollywood movies, far less Hollywood stuff – and you don’t get enough quality Bollywood movies in the cinema either. Hmph.

But – it’s December and with December comes the unashamedly fantasy movies that are fun to watch. So movies that I’m looking forward to:

Princess and the Frog

I have a big soft spot for 2D animation, more so than 3D. I love Pixar movies, but not as much as good old-fashioned 2D animation. The little bits of 2D animation in Enchanted had wet my appetite for Princess and the Frog, and I can’t wait to see a traditional rom-com/adventure on 2D again.

Been waiting for this one for years!

Alice in Wonderland

I love the re-telling and the re-imagining of fairy tales. Naruto is a clever re-telling of an old Japanese legend, Hellsing takes us to the Hellsing family from Dracula years later and they’re both mangas that not only do I enjoy, have quite an impact on my own writing.

Although Tim Burton has had a string of poor movies lately: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was awful and despite the Mad Hatter looking like he’s going to rape Alice – I can’t wait for his re-imagination of the series. Alice in Wonderland always had a certain element of darkness that all good children’s literature have and we’ll just have to wait and see how Tim Burton tips this one over the edge

Avatar

I don’t actually have a particular reason why I want to watch this movie, just that all the guys in my life are frothing in the mouth for this movie. I suppose it’s one of the movies of the year that you have to watch and line the pockets of James Cameron.

Sherlock Holmes

As I said with Alice in Wonderland, I love re-imaginings of old stories. Even though, Robert Downey Jr. will be playing Sherlock Holmes (so we have to suffer through his British accent), I still can’t wait for this one. It’s going to be loud and explosive – nothing like the real Sherlock Holmes, but it’s going to be mucho fun.

And it’ll have to do until I get Sherlock (BBC) – a retelling of Sherlock Holmes in modern day Britain. Now that’s the one I’m very much looking forward to.

3 Idiots

I did not think there was any Hindi movie I was going to look forward to till 2010 with My name is Khan, but Xav sent me this link yesterday and I can’t wait to see it already. A few reasons – one, Xav’s brother Sanjay Lafont will have a small role in this movie (he’s the dude floating 17 seconds in) so that’s quite cool! Yay for famous AES alumni. Secondly, Amir Khan and Kareena Kapoor look like they have an amazing chemistry together and the movie looks like fun. Amir Khan tends to act in quality movies so hopefully, I’m not going to be disappointed with this one.

On other movie news that are of no-importance and consequence but to people like me: Stephen Merchant is in a Hollywood movie next year with The Tooth Fairy. Does it mean he’s the first Warwick alumni to break into Hollywood?

Did you really think that I would go a week without writing a commentary on Doctor Who? Really, then – if that were the case, I would not be me. The me being the girl who received birthday presents that created a mini David Tennant (actually more Doctor-like) shrine on her table. So much so that my sister asked me if I had done my morning puja for DT each time she came  into my room.

But I digress. So…The Waters on Mars anyone?

*Spoilers beyond this point and too much thought put into a kid’s tv show*

I dreaded this episode since well, the previous two episodes kinda sucked for me. Coupled with the stinker that was Journey’s End (I think I hit my head against the wall a few times through out that episode) – I was actually worried I was going to lose my interest for DW.

And then came WoM, which totally blew me away. So much so that I called up Eizwan, asking him to leave work and to come over to pick up the DW episode (which incidentally, after watching it, he did not enjoy it as much. I think he was a little disturbed by the episode)

Being a little disturbed is the delicious consequence of the episode.

The episode has effectively given me back what I loved most about the series, the flawed hero. The Doctor is amazing man/alien, he is the man of fire and ice and rage. But for the past two episodes – actually, come to think of it, all the way back to the Tinkerbell episode in Season 3 (The Last of the Time Lords), I thought the Doctor Who series was dangerously veering towards Doctor-worship. Even his companions were starting to see him with stars in their eyes i.e. the Doctor person had taken on some sort of God-like persona.

It doesn’t help that most of the dialogue that described the Doctor were too close to worship for my taste. A man who walked amongst the gods.

If the Doctor was a god, why could he not stop Time or bend the rules of Time to his will?

WoM doesn’t actually explore the consequences of bending the rules of time but it did, for me at least, explore the consequences of the Doctor’s ego.

From Season 1, The Doctor has taken on a personal responsibility for everything that happens in the universe – starting from the Time War to the banishment of his other self to the other universe. At the end of Journey’s End, Davros suggests that he created his companions in his reflection – to kill and destroy -  a comment that affects the Doctor so profoundly that he refuses to take any new companions at the end of S4.

Donna said at the end of the The Runaway Bride, that he needed someone to stop him suggesting that he would further wreck destruction around him. A few commentaries I read online agreed with this assertion but to be honest, this is not an argument I’m in favour with. Here is a man (or alien, always felt weird using this word when it comes to DW) who is capable of destroying his entire planet, banishing the Daleks etc etc and yet he is unable to stop himself? As romantic as the idea that it is the inferior human companion being the one to stop the superior Time Lord, I personally feel it is his arrogance that stops him from taking a companion again – that he is solely in control and is responsible for everything in the universe. Even if he had picked a companion, it would be too late. He was not willing to listen anymore.

The tenth Doctor’s greatest flaw is in his arrogance – in his assumption that he and he alone must carry the guarding the universe (or maintaining the order of the universe as he suggested – very dark). His companions’ love for him and humanity’s love for the Doctor (The Next Doctor) had only served to fuel his ego that he is some ways a god – a god of destruction. He lives with this torment that his very existence creates destruction. In Journey’s End, he confuses his companion’s willingness to sacrifice not as a result of free-will, but instead of his very nature that brings about death and destruction.

He chooses not to let himself influence others and then he chooses a destiny for his companions. He pushes Rose and TenII to the other dimension, he lets Martha go and he erases Donna’s memory (I personally feel exploding Donna is an excuse)

In WoM, the dilemma was even stronger for the Doctor. Instead of walking away, and letting time take its course, he decides to become a god. In his grief, he decides that he is not the bearer of destruction, he will give life. He is greater than the universe. He chooses who should live or die. The universe is no longer a burden to bear, it is his to manipulate.  He expects to be praised and thanked – at the end of the episode, he asks the three survivors if anyone would thank him.

The Doctor, at the end of WoM, had in effect, decided to become a God. He chooses who should live or die. And fittingly, when the false god appears, it will be destroyed. The Doctor has become a false god, the universe calls for his end.

But of course, not before he realizes the errors of his way, (or repents but I’m reluctant to his this word though). Because he’s the Doctor, and underneath all that is the goodness and kindness that is the Doctor.

At least, I hope so.

So…I’ve reached a new low in my writing life today. I explained it to my brother, who listened thoughtfully and said, ‘Yes, that is a new low.’

How low can I go? Well then, try writing a Bollywood fanfic low. Yes, that low. I watched Rab ne Bana di Jodi yesterday again for the nth time now (if you’ve not watched it, please do – if you love rom-coms, it’s actually one of the best ones out there. Even by Western standards) and as I sat down in front of my pc, attempting to edit my mystery (which is floundering…hell, everything tends to flounder when King Khan is around) and I was um…inspired to write this.

Yeah, I know. New low. Still, I’m proud of it, it was written and edited under hour, and it’s my tribute to one of my favourite Bollywood movies. Long live King Khan and Aditya Chopra.

***

Title: She Sees Him Everywhere.

Fandom: Rab ne Bana di Jodi

Characters: Suri, Taani

Ratings: G

Summary: How can she forget him if she sees him everywhere?

Notes: I don’t speak Hindi – so please forgive me as I might get some of the nuances of the language wrong, especially since I was watching the movie with subtitles. Sous-titre. Always wanted to use that word whenever I say subtitles. But please read and review! It is muchos appreciated.

She Sees Him Everywhere

Taani was furious with Suri. Utterly, utterly furious. How dare he – how dare he try and win her heart that way? She was not daft, she knew exactly what he was doing. And why.

Read the rest on LiveJournal OR  Read the rest on Fanfic.net

My grandmother when I ask her about how to make Laksa Johor:

‘…and then you mix with curry spices. Fish curry spice.’

‘Really? You mean, there’s no special laksa johor spice?’

‘Well, we’re in KL. That’s the best you can do. When I was in Johor, I used to get this spice from this lady, Sharifah Fatima was her name. Well, she’s dead now. So well, there ended the spices. So use curry powder instead.’

With the Budget 2010 announcement that every credit card that I have will be levied an RM 50 tax, I’ve been in a dilemma for the past week. The dilemma being, although nothing serious, is trying to figure out which credit card to cancel.

My reactions to the Budget speeches are always the same – divided. On the one hand, the economist me is rather pleased that the implementation of the levy is intended to stop errant spending. On the other hand, the shoppaholic in me is rather unhappy that I have to give up one of my cards. I have four cards and I only use two at most and on some months, none at al.

But I have one of each: a Visa, a Mastercard and AMEX. And I have a silly reason for holding each – Visa because it’s a Visa, as a kid, I always thought credit card equals Visa. Mastercard because, for everything else, there’s Mastercard. And AMEX is for a corporate hot shot – which I’m not anymore – but holding an AMEX makes me feel like one.

They’re all ridiculously sentimental reasons which should have no bearing on what should be a rational decision. So three of them have to go, but which, I really don’t know. Gah. Any ideas?

***

Ipoh is often spoken of in sentimental terms in Malaysia. There was that highly irritating song by Jacqueline Victor, where she sings ‘Ipoh Mali‘ (Coloquial for ‘I’m from Ipoh’)  over and over again. And then of course there’s that stereotypical belief that if you’re an ethnic Chinese in Malaysia, you’re probably from Ipoh (of course, if you’re an ethnic Malay, you’re from Kampung Baru, ethnic Indian, you’re probably from Brickfields) and people talk about the food. The glorious food.

Over the years, I’ve been inundated about the awesomeness that is Ipoh that I would have thought that the streets were lined in gold, and there were ghosts of our colonial pasts sauntering in the streets. Like randomly bumping into our old Imperial masters as we cross the street.

What I didn’t expect was well, not to like the town very much. It was a lot like Kuantan, in some parts. A lot like Penang in the more plush parts by the palaces. But the roads at night were dark and bumpy, and I thought it looked tired rather than historical. Ipoh just didn’t fill up my soul with any kind of sentiment the way other old quaint towns in Malaysia did.

In the morning, when the sun rose, and light streamed through the limestone mountains and set against blue skies – that feeling was still nothing. Don’t get me wrong, the limestone caves and hills were stunning and I would probably return to give Ipoh another chance.

It could be that I expected too much from Ipoh over the years. Or it could be I’m just rebelling against the awesomeness of Ipoh since everyone had been harping about just how awesome it is.

Somehow, I left Ipoh this morning a little depressed with the city.

***

So…Shiseido introduced their new line, Girly Erotica (Majolica-Majorca). My mum thought it was the most hillarious thing ever, that a girl would wear make up branded Girly Erotica.

What I do know is that I’m so buying the line, because hey, it’s Shiseido. This is a bit like Hermes making a plastic bag, like yes, I would so buy it. It’s Hermes after all.

I hate it when this happens to me. This being losing interest in my current addiction after I’ve spent good money to fuel said addiction.

It happened with the Jim Butcher’s Harry Dresden series. I picked up one of his books, spent a good few hours cracking up over his rogue wizard cum private detective series and was thoroughly addicted at the end. The next day I went ahead and bought the second novel. I finished it in a day. And then I could not sleep, I was shivering from withdrawal symptoms until I got my hands on the third book – and I devoured it overnight.

By the fourth book, I thought I was sufficiently addicted enough to pay a good RM 200 to buy most of his series.  I was so pleased with myself as I walked home with almost the entire collection in the bag.

Except some time in book 5, I suddenly found myself irreverently bored with the series. No matter how hard I tried, I could not finish the story about how Thomas, the sexy vampire was involved in the porn industry that Harry was hired to investigate. I just couldn’t.

Now I have a bunch of books in my Billy bookcase (alliteration! ahah!) I have not yet completed.

I worry I’m losing interest in Bones as well. I picked up Bones because it fueled my hunger for a murder mystery that is darkly comic. I loved it, it was smart and sassy, I couldn’t wait for the next episode.

Again, I bought the second season without thinking. Except two episodes in, I find Bones tedious – I really don’t care about Camille Saroyan (I know she improves later on – watched the other eps on Star World) and am irritated with Booth criticising Bones endlessly. Yes, she doesn’t get it. We know. Yes, she’s smart but clueless about life. Stop hitting us on the head with it.

I’m not really looking forward to the next episode. The wit from season 1 has disappeared somewhat – it’s not as fun as it used to be.

Bah, more money spent on things I’ve lost interest in. So despite being darkly fascinated by Mad Men, I’m going to wait till the sister comes back with the DVDs. I’m not going to spend any more on a show that I might lose interest in halfway.

Other than that, it’s been difficult to blog lately because life has become rather dull. My cousin got engaged recently *yay* and I’ve been hassling vendors for my own upcoming nuptials *boo hiss* – nothing worth blogging about. Oh! Oh! I’ve been trying to read more. I’ve finally picked up Crime and Punishment that I abandoned a few months ago. I picked it up from the dark and cobwebbed corners of my bookcase where it was squished between recipe books. I lovingly dusted its jacket and right now, it’s next to my bed so that it can be ignored prominently.

And editing. I’m up to my eyeballs with words…it’s hard to concentrate working on drafts. I’m a little bit enamoured with posting my ahem fanfic. Plus, it’s fun to get reviews! So do read it! And leave a message! You’ll make me a happy bunny.

Now stupid Facebook advertised that there was a Malaysia Airlines competition online whereby all you needed to do was capture winter in a photo and you could win two tickets on MAS to any destination of choice.

I had perfect photos of winter on my PC from *gasp* six years ago which I impatiently uploaded in my efforts to win this competition. Of course, it was only after hours (read: ten minutes) of agonizing which photo would be the winning shot and then after pressing the submit button did I realize the competition deadline was umm…29th September.

Meh. A message for The Star and MAS: DON’T ADVERTISE OUTDATED COMPETITIONS  ON THE SIDEBARS OF MY FACEBOOK! YOU’RE WASTING MY TIME.

But anyway. Looking at the old photos gave me a chance to traverse down memory lane, and surprisingly, instead of leaving me depressed with a hankering for tequilla (which I do not drink – but it sounds like the appropriate liquor of choice to drown your sorrows away), I looked on at the photos with a smile, remembering just how good things were and how good things will be.

I think I’m starting to look forward to the future again and not terribly miss my time in the UK. I think that’s a good thing – to not feel burdened about what I had assumed to be better past than the now and feel a little more assured that the future is well, something not too bad. Let’s see how long this bout of peace and contentment will last – I’m a writer. I need to feel angry and upset all the time. Fuels the writing.

Or so I say.

Anyway, without further adieu: Winter in Warwick

David and Eizwan – Young and carefree

I’ve no idea where I put that hat now :-s

I love this picture – we didn’t have classes and we played around in the snow. Awesome times.

Lately I feel that a sense of restlessness and guilt that I associate with the non-completion of work and projects on my plate. As you know, and I’ve been harping for nearly a year now, I’ve been writing what has been my first draft of my novel.

I’ve finally completed it. *Yay*

Now it’s time to edit it.

See, the thing is, while the novel is lying beside me (figuratively, it’s actually on a hard disk) I can’t seem to do anything else. In most cases, I’ve allowed my social life to slide – it’s hard to make the effort and meet friends when I have this behemoth sitting next to me, making googly eyes and taunting me.

My novel looks a bit like a shaggy elephant, sort of like Snuffleupagus, but only meaner and smaller (small enough to fit my room).

But as with countless of writing manuals have said, at the end of the first draft – put it aside, pick up knitting, train for a marathon, anything, to forget about it so that you could look at it objectively when you do return to it.

So I tried not to focus on the novel, decided to go back to doing umm, other stuff like Tanjong Ole and *cough* fanfic *cough*. There was one thing that I couldn’t resist doing despite it being connected to the novel.

About a year ago, I published a photo of my plot wall, or more accurately, the first part of my plot wall. Over the next few weeks, it grew to something more akin to this:

Plot blurred for obvious reasons

Yes, it took up my entire wall, the plot did. I slept next to murders and conspiracy for about a year.

But as most writers can attest, the plot I started with was not quite the plot I ended up with. Halfway through the novel, I had already decided to rework the plot during the edits and so, despite the note cards keeping me company for nearly a year as I toiled away on my laptop, it was mostly redundant by the end.

But I really liked all the notecards on the wall, it gave this student-feel to my room. And it reminded me towards the goal I was striving for. But , it’s weird to leave something up there that was no longer relevant.

So after much deliberation, I made the painful choice of bringing down all the notecards from my wall. Out with the old, in the with the new as the cliche goes.

Naked wall is naked

I felt so naked, sleeping next to a bare wall.

But.

The wall wasn’t naked for long. Actually, from the moment I decided to bring the cards down, I’ve already decided on a replacement. I’ve designated the wall next to me my Novel Wall, and I wanted to create something that would give me a feel of the world I was living in. Inspired by the inspiration boards that are all the rage in wedding blogs, I started creating my own inspiration board with photos that I felt could have come from the world I created. I’m really pleased with the end result, it does feel like it’s starting to come together.

A new sexy beginning

So there it is. Wish me luck on the first round of editing!

P/S: If you’re wondering what the green thing is, it’s a mosquito net, a traditional way of keeping mosquitoes at bay. Fucking hell man, the mosquitoes here are persistent!